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The Battle of Perfection and Hypocrisy


I am not a perfect person and I am by definition a hypocrite. Being a Christian is hard work. The bible says that I should forgive others because God has forgiven me for all of my sins. Forgiveness was the road block to me seeking and finding Christ, but I did it. Lately though, I find myself being a hypocrite. 

 Why?

 I spent a better part of my teen years, lost. Walking through life aimlessly, no direction but looking for something more. I was hurt, the world [even at this young of an age] had broken me. My parents were wonderful role models and quite supportive. I had great siblings, a roof over my head and clothes on my back. Why did I feel like the world had broken me? 

 It begins with a story of a ten year old girl who was coerced into engaging in sexual behavior by her first cousin. She thought that this was appropriate because that 10 year old girl was told that it was so -- but also told not to tell anyone. From ten to fifteen this girl still dealt with this but only until realizing that she was lied to. Eleven year old girls should not know about this aspect of life yet, it was not normal for a first cousin to engage in this activity and she had to tell someone. She did. You would think that this person who did these awful things would be in jail, or prison. He's not. Five years of abuse and this person got six months of probation. It's not surprising for those of you who have read my blog, or know me in real life to know that this little girl was me. 

 Since becoming a Christian I have had moments where I feel incredibly strong and feel as if I have forgiven him. Other times I have, so much anger towards him that he is out living his life and not serving time in jail/prison or having to register as a sex offender. I have to deal with seeing him at a local coffee shop, church, community events, etc. My extended "family" looks at the situation as "youthful experimentation". I had for many years the impending fear of the death of my grandmother and having to see him again which would consist of a longer duration than the time it takes to fill up a coffee cup and be on your way.  

 Today that fear became a reality. 

 Related imageI am a hypocrite and I have accepted that because I am not perfect. Sure, I can strive to be perfect like Jesus but I like to think that God knows the battle I am fighting. After all, I am His child -- he cares and loves me. Justin Gifford hurt and abused me for 5 years, he forced a ten year old to endure things that they should have to at that early age, he gave me the wrong outlook on what "sex" really means and what it is intended to be; I am seriously affected by what he did to me, daily. He thinks that he should be able to live his life [true] but is it too much for me to ask him to live his life away from me? 

 If they said that being a Christian was easy everyone would do it and have no problem. I will accept the fact that I am a hypocrite because I am also a follow of Jesus. I believe in His ministry and His values. If Justin, changes his ways [which I believe comes with a solid apology] then I will accept this and forgive but right now; he has not done this. I am not his witness, I can't be. I am not closing the door on him being a Christian, I am simply saying that my ministry and heart is to teach others fighting the same fight I am, to look to God. God is our strength when we do not have it in us. Today, at my Grandmother's funeral I held to Ephesians 6:11, I recited the serenity prayer and afterwards I drove away saying that the pent up anxiety over the years of this very day was over. I had won. 
For those of you battling the fight of victimization -- you can do this. Continue to push forward, seek God and He will be your strength. 

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